The Day Poseidon Tried Online Dating

The Day Poseidon Tried Online Dating (And Flooded Manhattan)

Most people know Poseidon as the Greek god of the sea—mighty, moody, and usually shirtless. But what they don’t know is that in 2023, Poseidon decided to give online dating a whirl.

Why? Because even sea gods get lonely.

It All Started With a Fish Meme

Somewhere deep beneath the Atlantic, Poseidon was doom-scrolling on a waterproof iPad made of coral and enchanted pearls. That’s when he saw it—a meme that read:
“Even Zeus has Hera. What do you have, bro?”
Brutal.

Poseidon, feeling personally attacked, bellowed out a salty sigh that caused a 2.1 magnitude underwater tremor near Bermuda.

So, he downloaded TridentTingles, the elite dating app for mythological beings. His profile?

• Name: Poseidon

• Bio: Lord of the Oceans. Inventor of horses. Not afraid of commitment, just Krakens.

• Photos: Shirtless with dolphins, shirtless on a seahorse, shirtless holding a trident, and one awkward selfie with Medusa (she  blinked).

• 

Swipe Right for Chaos

He matched instantly with Amphitrite420, who turned out to be not his ex-wife Amphitrite, but rather a sassy marine biologist named Tia from Brooklyn who thought the profile was a clever joke.

They agreed to meet at a trendy seafood bistro in Manhattan. Big mistake.

Poseidon, unaware of city dress codes, showed up in a toga made of kelp and flip-flops carved from driftwood. He tried to impress the maître d’ by summoning a school of glittering fish to form the word “Reservation.” It… did not help.

The Calamari Catastrophe

Things went downhill faster than a sinking anchor.

When Poseidon saw calamari on the menu, he screamed, “THEY FRIED MY COUSIN!”

He immediately turned the restaurant’s fish tank into a whirlpool portal and summoned a live kraken to avenge the squid.

People screamed. Tables flipped. A man tried to take a selfie and got slapped by a tentacle.

Meanwhile, Tia just calmly sipped her wine and said, “You didn’t say you were the actual Poseidon.”

To which he replied, soaking wet and very defensive:
“What did you think the trident emoji meant?!”

Flooding Manhattan, Accidentally

In an effort to calm down, Poseidon accidentally sneezed—sending a tidal wave crashing through Central Park. A dog park turned into a dolphin spa. Times Square became Atlantis for five glorious minutes. And a guy in a kayak made it onto TikTok yelling, “Poseidon is real and he’s bad at dating!”

The Aftermath

Poseidon was politely banned from all land-based dining establishments. He’s now in therapy with Hephaestus, learning anger management and how to use Bumble.

As for Tia?

She wrote a memoir titled “Dating a Sea God: Calamari, Chaos, and Why I’m Staying on Land”—currently a best-seller on Goodreads.

Moral of the Story?

Even gods should read the fine print.

And maybe—just maybe—don't summon a kraken on the first date.